Aer
Ireland Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin
one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus to co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin airport they looked out the
cockpit window.
"B'jeesus", said Paddy, "will ye look at
how F**kin short dat runway is."
"You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy", replied
Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' the trickiest
landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus
"roight, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de
engines in reverse" Said Paddy.
"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus
"And den ye put the flaps down straight away"
said Paddy
"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat" Replied Shamus
"and den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye
can," said Paddy
"Roight Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with a'your
soul" said Paddy
"Oi'll be doing dat already", replied Shamus
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full
of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit
the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the
flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the
Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of
smoke, the plane screeched to a halt just centimetres
from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy
and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the Cockpit regaining their composure,
Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus
"dat has gotta be de shortest F**kin runway I have
EVER seen in me whole Life."
Shamus looked out the side window and replied
"Yeah, Paddy, but look how F**kin wide it is."
The
SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival
weekendtogether
to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises,
the trainertells
them their next objective is to go down into the woods
and come backwith
a rabbit for tea.
First
up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop
tothe
ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute
silencefor
5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They
emerge witha
rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent"
says the trainer. Next up are the army. They finish
their cansof
lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix
bayonets and chargedown
intothe
woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next
hour the woodsringwith
the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand
grenades andblood-curdlingwar
cries.Eventually,
they emerge, carrying the charred remains of arabbit.
"A
bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says
the trainer.Lastly,
in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs,whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, thesilence
is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie
talkie:"sierra
oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you"
etc.
After
what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a
squirrel inhandcuffs.
"What
the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the
incredulous trainer.
"Take
this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you
5 hoursago!"
So
back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day
turns to night.The
next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are
awakened bythe
police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are
you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate
trainer.
The
police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who
squeaks:"Alright,
alright, so I'm a bloodyrabbit..."
A farmer bought two horses. But when he got them
home, he couldn't remember which was which.
While having a drink in the local he mentioned the fact
to a friend. The friend suggested he cut half the tail
off one of them, then he could tell them apart.
This worked great until the other horse got it's tail
caught in a bush and it tore off just right and the
farmer was stump again, not knowing which was which.
Down at the local the farmer told his friend what had
happened, His friend said "Why don't you measure
the horses and see if there is any difference in their
height".
So the farmer measured the horses and was over the moon
when he found that the white horse was two inches tall
than the black horse.
How many men does it take to put a new toilet roll on?
Who knows - it's never happened.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Two Irish lads, Paddy and Mick have been to the
pub, they are staggering home and have no money for a
taxi.
The past the bus depot and Paddy comes up with a plan,
he says to Mick "jump over the wall and go and
steal and bus and we can drive it home"
Mick duly breaks into the bus depot and is gone for
ages, Paddy is pacing around outside getting really
anxious and he calls into Mick "what are you
doing?"
Mick shouts back "I can't find a number seven bus,
I can only find a number five which doesn't go up our
street"
Paddy shouts back "s'okay steal the number five and
we can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of
the way home"
